15 minutes (yeh, right) at the Pub

Support didn't come my way

I get - Oh that can't work in this community.
(at times i said that, too.)
She gets - Sure, we should try that.

I get - no celebration, usually no comment.
She gets - a supportive visit for the drink at the pub.

I get - little comment, support, interference (granted - very little of that either - which was nice).
She gets - support, and a visit at the pub, regardless how reluctant.

I get - we have no budget (the first couple yrs). Oh, $500 (last year).
She gets - lots of money, evidentally.


So, while I know much of these issues could have been resolved by (HAVING MORE TIME TO ACTUALLY DO THAT PART OF THE WORK and) sticking out my neck and saying, hey, i mean it - let's try this. No, I saw those as guidelines - and I worked within them. And, frankly, I didn't have time to do anything but work within them. She obviously doesn't.

To say I feel like an older sister watching the younger one get everything she didn't would be just about right. Using that analogy for this setting makes me uncomfortable.

I know I made a series of choices that led to the outcomes that happened. And I see that she makes different choices. Yet, still in all those years, I did NOT have the current level of support, money, or praise (though when noticed, praise was forthcoming - that i appreciated). This doesn't even begin to mention the mutual support given by others (but that seems natural, and bugs me less).


Basically, watching someone else get all this support is difficult. period.

In four years, someone could have said, "you did a lot of work - how about we go out for a beer?"

Fuck.

But none of this, NONE of this, can be expressed. For the reasons of all the choices I made. To keep the peace. To keep my self-respect. But here and now - Let me say, (and I can already hear the fucking response), but Let me just say, This is NOT fair,. This is not nice. And I do not like it.

Now, I will be fine - I just needed to say that. Things will go on as they are, by necessity. I'll focus elsewhere, by necessity. But it's out of my heart and onto this "paper".

phew...




I feel the need to go on, be more specific, get it right - but that won't help will it? Let go. Let go. Let go.